Shattered....

It was on the 16th day of April, 2011... approximately 5 o'clock in the morning, i forced myself to wake up so badly, and walked to my living room and grab my Advanced Performance Management notes to study.

My eyes were tired and teary... i have been studying so hard all these days and weeks... reading the notes & practicing the past year questions... i tried so hard coz i wanna pass all the exams this semester in order to graduate successfully & making my dream come true. My dream is going to United Kingdom to do my (Hons) Degree in Accounting & Finance for a period of 3 months.

It was 9am when the exam officially started... i walked into the venue and picked my seats with number 100 ~ Ridiculously, i thought this seat number can give me tons of luck and score 100 marks perhaps in the exam.... too bad... it....

The moment i flipped through my exam paper during the 15 minutes reading time given, i was calm & enthusiastic as i saw almost all the questions looked familiar to me as they are all exactly the same as in the ACCA past year questions i had done earlier. i grabbed my mechanical pencil and wrote as much point as i could and highlighted any important points which i thought i might overlook.

Here it is, it was precisely at 9.15 am shown by the clock hanging on the wall above the white board, the facilitators gave signals of the commencement of the exam. Alright, cath's ready~ ! Go!

I was holding the paper and grabbing my blue Faber-Castell pen, resting my right hand on my answer booklet. The clock on my watch was ticking every single second and minutes i was reading the questions. I had done praying to God for blessing me in the exam before i started to do the question. Wish that He could hear what i say to him ^^

To my astonishment, i watched the time go by every second, i still have not start to write anything at all, looking at the surrounding, the candidates started to press on their calculators and count! What the hell with me? I could not write anything, even when i tried hard to. This was when i really started to get so PANIC, hands started to shake, feeling of coldness rushing through my whole body, breathing deep desperately.... Oh My God! Why couldn't i write anything? Why my mind seemed to be as blank as the paper on my answer booklet? This time i just realized i was really stuck, suddenly a thought came to my mind of giving up coz i struggled myself so badly just to write a few words and do some small part of calculations which took up so long time to do it. Watching the time passing by got me in big trouble ever!

I could not focus as i panicked too much. I tried so hard to calm myself down but it was futile. Another negative thought blinked in my head saying, 'Cath, it's totally impossible now for you to fulfill your dream of going to UK and graduate...." & that's when i felt so disappointed with myself and thoughts of giving up persist to exist in my mind.

Somehow, i regain my consciousness to back to the reality world to continue with my exam questions. It was when i flashed back the memory on my experience of having P2 Corporate Reporting exam, either internal or external exam, i struggled so badly during the exam process, umpteen times of "give up" thoughts came to me. I could just stand up and leave the exam venue during the moment. Nevertheless, i fought back such negative mind and persist. My perseverance made me finish my exam, though some are left undone. Miraculously, the result was satisfying enough to make me laugh and cry as it was totally out of my expectation! Thanks God for such miracle!

Therefore, back to that moment i was sitting for my APM paper, this same thought flashed back to me, thinking i might have a sparks of hope as long as i tried my best to write and finish the questions. It was till the last minute, precisely at 12.15 noon, i was instructed to stop writing and tie the answer booklets altogether. Although i did not complete it, some were left undone, i believed that i did try my best out there.

As i walked out from the exam venue, i felt relieved coz the exam was finally over. Somehow, deep down, i felt extremely disappointed with myself and started to feel so hopeless as i could see my dream has gone shattered because of what i had undergone today. I had performed so poor that sparks of hope to chase after my dream was totally disappear. I felt hopeless because my total confidence has gone in a wink. Dreams are shattered, minds are confused, emotions are down and hopeless.... There's nothing i could do but to P-R-A-Y... Will there be any miracle from God this time? Although it sounds unknown in the future, i believe that God knew i had tried my best out there to complete the task instead of giving up. Thanks for his strength in guiding me back to reality and fight!

In a nutshell, my results is in God's hands. I closed my eyes and pray... wish myself good luck then :-P ~ Thanks God Blessed Me ^^

"When you speak from your heart
and say the words
your soul has only closed to whisper,
That's when miracles happen...


~Cath~n_n

Afraid

Staring out my window, looking at the people walking around on the streets, with their couple & kids..... how beautiful that moment could be when you get to see the happiness in their eyes....

Wishing i could be one of them in the crowd, having joy in such sunny day....somehow, only to find myself sitting at my room and thinking something which i thought i should not have been giving a thought about it at all...

i should not have fallen into the trap you said earlier, i thought it's not gonna happen... somehow, it seems to crystallize gradually... i wish it did not happen... never...

What the hell with me? why just couldn't i let go? why couldn't i just pretend i feel nothing? it hurts a lot when i have to pretend i don't mind at all & to support your view. Sometimes i wish i could beg you not to mention about the person, or even non-stop praising that person in front of me, coz it frustrated me so much and most of all, silently enough, my heart aches deeply. i knew you would not have any idea how i feel right now.... i thought i will never tell you about this at all, not now, not in the future, forever...

This was when recently i felt there was a gap between us, you might don't know about that, but i do. i don't feel like talking so much to you, as i was afraid i will accidentally hear you saying about that person again, my heart will ache again.... i feel myself keep stay away from you, coz i was a.f.r.a.i.d & that feeling was indeed desperate! & it damn SUCKS!

i wish i could give myself some time to wash all this stupid & crazy thoughts away for a moment, i don't wish i get unhappy because of this stupid thing. Maybe i think too much, but it just sometimes inevitable where i happen to become the victim in this game. I will try hard to let go & keep holding on ~ i believe i can make it!

You're Right

Thinking back what you said to me.... it kinda sound like getting real... i should have trusted things you said to me, i was awakened by some thoughts lately, what i used to not believe in things that you said, i started to believe...

You're right... i really feel the way i suppose to feel when it happens as what you've told me earlier... there's no such thing like what i think & expected, so cath, please stop been naive & innocent, even though there's nothing u can do about it!

I felt like i'm growing into a kinda different person recently, i feel like myself acting strange, thinking strange, feeling strange... everything seems STRANGE... how suffocating is it i have to ACT like nothing happens... it hurts when i am trying to pretend like i feel nothing, it hurts when i am trying to pretend like i don't care at all, it hurts when you make me feel insecure coz of the way you do to people surrounding you.... i know you will never find it out coz you never meant to notice & so i know i'm not going to tell you anyway, let it be kept a s-e-c-r-e-t forever coz this is not gonna be a happy ending story...

In short, all this while, i have been lying to myself, so i guess i should start to forget about all those J things, stop relying so much on you, i can handle myself even without you, i believe i can do it without you!

Most Anticipated !!!

It's been another long period of time since the last time i uploaded my last post here....
just suddenly i got in the right mood to drop a few words here...

what i have anticipated so much ever since is....
Avril Lavigne's upcoming 4th album!! "Goodbye Lullaby" which will be released in March this year.

Her new hit single "What The Hell" which was released worldwide on the last day of 2010 during the 'Welcoming New Year 2011' ★ Avril was performing at Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve, NYC ★

How excited i was during the moment i listened to her complete version 'what the hell'. I am so glad that Avril is BACK finally after all these years i have been waiting for her to release another new record.... here she is! yeah!

in short, cath is damn ANTICIPATING for upcoming album in march right now.... !!!! yeah yeah!

CATHERINE.....

Wow! it's been such a long time since the last time i wrote my blog... Kinda busy lately... many unexpected things happened too, especially in year 2009. There were sweet memories, so were the worst memories ever. The 1st year of advanced diploma in commerce (financial accounting) which is the course i'm currently pursuing, what i could comment was that "it's pretty TOUGH!" During the 1st semester of the year, i still managed to handle it, but somehow in virtually danger and hazard as i found myself barely passed my taxation paper. Thanks God a million for blessing my 1st semester result. The unfinished questions in my English paper already killed my confidence so greatly and pretty a big disappointment i ended up with. Honestly, if it was not because of God, I would not have been so lucky to pass all my papers. As i got into the 2nd semester, i found the studies were even tougher than before. This is quite an obvious fact to almost everyone. To my dismay, i found myself getting lazier and less concentrate in studies instead as i started to fed up of the books and words.

Although this semester only consisted of 4 months, which can be considerably short period fo time, however there were too many things happened within these 4 months time. Firstly, I have learnt that been into a relationship was not a piece of cake. It requires pretty lots of things like communication, trust, understanding, tolerance etc to keep a relationship going and to persist. It would never happen like a sweet fairy tale story where the pair of couple would live happily ever after that i used to read and watch when i was still a naive and innocent little girl.

Secondly, it was such astonishment which got me totally stunned when i suddenly got insulted so badly by a person because of my own English name "CATHERINE" and my religion which has nothing to do with him or his life at all. The worst was that he treatened me at the same time.

He said i should not celebrate Christmas because I ain't a Christian and I could not use my "CATHERINE" name as this is considered illegal and unholy. What on earth is he saying?I have so many Christian friends who treat me pretty good all the time and been around them indeed make me happy and smile, especially a girl who happened and come into my life, she brought a lot of happiness and joy to my life. Her constant emotional support and accompany cheers me up and make me able to go through the hardest time. She is XXXX, a fan of the cute character "Eeyore" from Winnie the Pooh cartoon. ^^~~Continue~~ What on earth is he saying? His words could piss a lot of people off. Agree? He is shooting tons of non-christian people who owns English name. The next thing was he sent me a threatening and CURSING message to my facebook inbox. You try to guess what he says? He said that i am worshipping dirty, stinky indians as God and insulted me for being so stupid. He even insisted that i am not supposed to use the sacret name coz I am a pariah who worships indians and no wonder my skin looks like them. He even insulted me by saying that i am low class, smelly and pathethic whore(prostitute=pelacur)! It really hurts so deeply and to the extreme... a deep stab in the heart.... and lastly, he ended with such CURSING words to ask me to "GO TO HELL" highlighted in capital letters. WOW! Curse me to go to hell? I am not doing any murdering or cursing, why should i go to hell, why not him?

God or Jesus has the eye for every deed a human does on earth. He would able to see who is good-hearted and the bad-hearted one. Although I am not a Christian, I believe that Jesus will protect and bless those who do good deeds and of course the innocent. Jesus does not like to see his people cursing, discriminating others. He would rather see his people been helpful, kind, pray for others and forgiveful. God will only bless us if we live in peace and harmony towards one another.

It was even more interesting when he texted me in sms saying that he would SLAP me in the face the next time he saw me. Wow! That would be a pretty amazing live show to watch then since it's going to be a bastard slapping an innocent girl's face for nonsense! Perhaps he was just too scared to admit that he himself was wrong after all! Really ASHAMED!!

Last but not least, this was the 1st time i experienced such horrible thing, been threatened and cursed by someone for nothing. Somehow, I have learnt the real character he owns behind the mask he was wearing now. It was my biggest mistake in my life for having a friend like him. This was when the friendship really broke. Once was FRIEND = Now is ENEMY. What an interesting story has begun.... ^^

Haunted...

Haunted....

It has haunted my life all these while, the entire time.......it just fails to go away, to vanish, to disappear.....

It has made my life a total disaster all the time, self-consciousness, an absolute weapon to kill my level of confidence, hurt physically and also emotionally.......

Why you just never go away? How can't you haunt my life all this time? You are only making me suffocated and desperated......

I just wish i will not see you anymore.....

Here, 'it @ you' referred to as ...... P-I-M-P-L-E-S!!!!!!

Because of you, i felt self-conscious whenever and wherever i am, be it in front of all my friends, or among the crowds on the street.... i don't know how to face my friends and the people around, i just too care about how people will think of me, and how they will say about it, when i look into the mirror, i born to hate myself, therefore, i need to apply make up to conceal you!....T_T

Because of you, my level of confidence are killed, almost to a NIL sometimes...... T_T

Because of you, i always feel the undesired pain on my face, everywhere it grows, everywhere i feel the disgusted pain! the inflammation, the redness, the cyst....... so horrible it left me totally suffocating! T_T

Because of you, i spent lots of money in order to cure you...hoping you will leave me alone one day....but you are NOT, but exaggerate my situation. How could you??? T_T

Today, 30th day of September, 2009~ because of you, today has become a very memorable day to remember.....
I went to consult the skin specialist, Dr. Wong to undergo a blood test at 8am early in the morning as appointed by doctor yesterday.My dearest mom accompanied me along. I was told by
doctor that i was having severe type of pimples disease currently, which indicated the last degree of severeness of pimples! Oh my God! I was totally flabbergasted when i was told so. I could not believe that my pimples were that severe....! Luckily, the doctor told me there was a cure for it, but it takes a longer time to cure, and with a level of discipline and medicine prescription, it only will work.

It was right now, i was lying on the bed in the clinic room, the doctor came over and tied a piece of cloth around my right arm. I was extremely scared and nervous as i never undergo blood test before. He asked me to cough twice. When i coughed, he already poked the syringe into my right arm and pumped out the blood in a small bottle-size syringe!! hohoho, that 2 coughs were merely a distraction! So smart la the doctor! hiak hiak hiak

I also underwent a urinary test. Everything's went on smooth. Medical report was out on 11.30am, as told by doctor that everything's fine. Thanks God!

Afterwards, i was prescribed with lots of medicine which need to be consumed as well as applied externally. walao eh!! the whole consultation, blood test and medical fee cost RM678. Oh My God! It was so damn expensive like hell! I felt guilty and sad that my mom had to spent such large sum of money on my medical fee, just because of the stupid pimples which caused me to be in such situation. Haizzzzz

Last but not least, my only wish for now and always, wish IT will get out of my life! I don't wanna see you anymore!!!


~cath~n_n

Singing?!

Hola! It was a beautiful sun shinning Tuesday, 1st day of September!!!

It was a very wonderful day to remember in my life not only because it was meaningful to my dearest friend@sister, but also the most unforgettable day in my life! HaHaHa...

1stly, it was my roomate@sister@best friend's 19th birthday!!!
a day right after MERDEKA!! i wondered if she were born on national day, she would have received more privileges?!...lolz..."anak merdeka"!!!

We gave her a birthday surprise at Station One, genting kelang here. i still remembered how a group sisters of four to six of us had tricked her to Station 1 by using some ridiculous excuses such as Yier and her sister, Ying Ying said that they could not join us for dinner together as they had to go to church for some designing stuffs while ah mao said he scared of getting fat, so decided to skip dinner ; Shi Yi might be working late that day; so there were lian, me and xuer who accompanied her for dinner that day..^^ moreover, the 3 of us still have to delay our time for the preparation of cakes at Station 1 by Yier them all by going to the groceries shop nearby to buy some cookies and snacks. (start to feel funny already as the plan worked out). As we finish purchasing our snacks, we were there to inform the birthday gal suddenly that xuer had to go to take something from Jordan at Station 1. (LIEEEEE) lolz... this was when the birthday gal really DOUBTS...lolz

Here we are, at Station 1... "Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to Hwee Teng, Happy birthday to YOU!!!" the song was sang by us to the top of our lungs!!! Laughters filled the whole atmosphere ^^ joyfulness + cheerfulness + happiness + HUNGRINESS...yeahyeah, it's ordering time right after cutting cakes! ^^

So co-incidently, Candy @ 谢婉婷 was coming for some kinda 'fan-socializing'. Some of my friends didn't even know her. keke...^^, i knew her when i was still secondary school as if not mistaken, it was my mom who told me about her and she ever came to Miri before too. ^^i even spotted her at college as she ever came to our college for promoting her album, i guessed. I was told by my friend that Candy was just sitting opposite me on the benches in canteen 2. lolz
well, that night, she came over and sang a quite melodious chinese song. Indeed, her voice was great! ^^

Besides that, she also offered to those who were interested to ask her any questions. It turned out that my housemate- ah mao, to my surprise, he went up the stage to ask her question! wow, how brave he was! lolz... afterwards, there was a session where she requested 3 persons to come on stage to interview and sing a brief chorus of a song. There were 2 group been randomly chosen to send a representative to go on stage to sing. The 1st rep was a boy who sang chinese song, so were the 2nd gal from the same group. One pretty funny slogan that Candy has said that night was "朋友是拿来利用的". That really made me laughed and i was completely agreed with that saying! 100%! coz it happened to me NEXT!!!

Well, it was time for the last rep. Candy asked to send out a rep from our group. Initially, we already discussed to play a fool on the birthday gal, and supposed she should be the one who sang on the stage! However, to my total shock, all my friends pointed and screamed out my name loud instead! "Cath! Cath!" Oh my Godness! You are all betraying me! how could you ? i really didn't wanna go on stage, but i was forced to did so as Candy and other crowd were anticipating me to go on stage. I was speechless and eventually went up the stage.

I still remembered my feeling at the moment. I was embarrassed to walk up the stage, but to my own surprise, i felt very calm instead as i was given the microphone to speak. Even Candy said that i appeared to be totally calm and relax while i was on stage and asking me question like ," have u ever been in singing competition?", she even asked my gang of friends if i were really good in singing, they just nodded and cheer for me! That made me more shy then... #_#... afterwards, i was asked to introduce myself and right after that i gotta sing a brief chorus part of a song. In moments of nervousness, i finally chose to sing chorus part of Avril Lavigne's 'Complicated'. As i sang along, i saw the crowd in front of me were like following the beat of my song, that was when i start to enjoy my singing! lolz... right after i finished, i received thunder of applause from the audience, and honestly, that feeling was extremely awesome!

Candy gave me her album as rewards. I really appreciated that pretty much. Then, there was the lucky draw session. ehem ehem... deng deng deng! heartbeating moments were few minutes to go...keke... we were announced that there were 3 prizes worth RM500 cash voucher each to giveaway. Who would be that lucky contestant then? hiak hiak hiak....

the 1st one, oh my God! it's a 19th year-old-boy! it was my housemate ah mao!!! wow! congratulations! here came the 2nd one, oh my God again! it was ME!!! unbelievable! i have never been so lucky in my life before! Never in any lucky draw i have joined won any prizes, not even consolation prizes arrr! but tonight was completely different! i was totally flabbergasted as Candy announced my name! {i suddenly felt like i'm a lucky star on that night!} aha!

i even took some pic with Candy and got her signature on the album too! In short, today was really a memorable day which i have never experienced it before in my entire life! i'm pretty enjoying it and it brought me lots of happiness and confidence as well! hooooorayyyyyyyy!


~cath~n_n