Wish you were here....

'Damn Damn Damn, what i'd do to have you here here here, I wish you were here....'

Too bad, you'll never be right here with me on my special day, which is one of my most special day of the year....

I happened to accidentally scratched my knee through the tap water in the toilet at the college exam hall right after the sitting for my professional paper, ACCA P7 yesterday. It ached and it bleed.... Gosh! What a bad luck day! Firstly, i could not do my paper well at all, i lost idea to write fromt the beginning of the questions paper. I could hardly write the answers coz i did not understand the requirement of the whole questions that i kept on reading the questions over and over again.... still, i struggled, and eventually forced myself to crap every single thing i could to fulfill the blank pages left untouched on my exam booklet.

Somehow, there was a good thing covered this disappointment after all, my dearest friends threw me a surprise birthday celebration at Kenny Rogers Restaurant where we all behaved like kids. So happy that we were having funs together, it's that moment been captured, to be stored in my memory, which could last forever.... =)

Then i came home, how excited and surprised i was to see my bunch of girls sitting in my room and chit-chatting! I could not help but quickly settle down on my bed and joined the girls' talk. It's pretty fun though! (^_^)

Nevertheless, this happiness did not last long until i received an sms from a guy whom i had a crush on... i was totally shocked and stunned for a moment as i read that message. He said he'd go to overseas to work for a week the next day and he ended the message with a birthday wishes to me. I suddenly could not take it because it happened too unexpectedly, out of the blue! The saddest thing was that he was leaving on my birthday! Although i did not expect him to be with me together on my birthday, somehow this sudden leave got me so sad and disappointed.... & my whole plan for the coming days was like kinda crashed and burned.

I was totally disappointed to see the calendar on my desk on the day he's gonna come back is the date where i'll be leaving here pretty soon. Any unforeseen circumstances and destined fate could cause me to lose the chance to see him again.... it's pretty sad though, there's nothing i could do about it.... hopeless on my pre-birthday night....

The difficulties of the exam paper, the wound on my knees and the shocking news.... how terrifying to find out all these stuffs to spoil my mood for my beautiful day! Nevertheless, it's memorable enough though... T_T

Now i believe what the God messages to me in facebook was true, 'Sometimes the easiest way to LOSE something is wanting it TOO MUCH...' This is too good to be true as here i am, the one who experienced this situation right now.

A lesson learnt here, i should have expected LESS, Let LOOSE, and let things happen naturally as they're supposed to be. I should have believed that everything will be DESTINED, instead of trying hard by put in lots of effort to change it.... Maybe the easiest solution will be letting God to decide for me coz i'm tired already.

One word, 'Natural'...

Prayers are Heard...^_^

The beautiful Thursday sun shone its light onto my face as i was still in my dreamland. The curtain in my room was left open since last night as weathers recently were terribly hot.

I was awoken afterwards, walked down the stairs and sat in my living room listening to the morning radio. It was when a sudden thought ran across my mind..... 'It's Thursday! one of my most anticipated & nervous day ever! "

It was the day of exam results release! How nervous i was as i was checking my results on my college website. The line was damn busy as it lagged till i kept refreshing the page for a few times.
i could feel butterflies in my stomach at that moment and kept praying while awaiting the results to be displayed on the webpage.

Finally, it appeared on my screen! I was looking at the tv while it suddenly appeared! immediately i ran close to my computer screen, ecstatically happy to find that i PASSED all of the papers and far better than i've expected! OMG! I started scream like hell and jumping happily as if like a little kid finally got her candy! LOL

Thanks God very much for the blessings and i knew my prayers were heard by God. Deep in my heart, i appreciate very much. Because of God's blessings, i deserve to have everything i have now.

谢谢神的保佑.

Pray

Here i am, close my eyes and pray...

I pray for God's blessings and i wish my prayers are heard.

" God, i wish that ......................................................................................................."

Thanks God blessed Me.

Shattered....

It was on the 16th day of April, 2011... approximately 5 o'clock in the morning, i forced myself to wake up so badly, and walked to my living room and grab my Advanced Performance Management notes to study.

My eyes were tired and teary... i have been studying so hard all these days and weeks... reading the notes & practicing the past year questions... i tried so hard coz i wanna pass all the exams this semester in order to graduate successfully & making my dream come true. My dream is going to United Kingdom to do my (Hons) Degree in Accounting & Finance for a period of 3 months.

It was 9am when the exam officially started... i walked into the venue and picked my seats with number 100 ~ Ridiculously, i thought this seat number can give me tons of luck and score 100 marks perhaps in the exam.... too bad... it....

The moment i flipped through my exam paper during the 15 minutes reading time given, i was calm & enthusiastic as i saw almost all the questions looked familiar to me as they are all exactly the same as in the ACCA past year questions i had done earlier. i grabbed my mechanical pencil and wrote as much point as i could and highlighted any important points which i thought i might overlook.

Here it is, it was precisely at 9.15 am shown by the clock hanging on the wall above the white board, the facilitators gave signals of the commencement of the exam. Alright, cath's ready~ ! Go!

I was holding the paper and grabbing my blue Faber-Castell pen, resting my right hand on my answer booklet. The clock on my watch was ticking every single second and minutes i was reading the questions. I had done praying to God for blessing me in the exam before i started to do the question. Wish that He could hear what i say to him ^^

To my astonishment, i watched the time go by every second, i still have not start to write anything at all, looking at the surrounding, the candidates started to press on their calculators and count! What the hell with me? I could not write anything, even when i tried hard to. This was when i really started to get so PANIC, hands started to shake, feeling of coldness rushing through my whole body, breathing deep desperately.... Oh My God! Why couldn't i write anything? Why my mind seemed to be as blank as the paper on my answer booklet? This time i just realized i was really stuck, suddenly a thought came to my mind of giving up coz i struggled myself so badly just to write a few words and do some small part of calculations which took up so long time to do it. Watching the time passing by got me in big trouble ever!

I could not focus as i panicked too much. I tried so hard to calm myself down but it was futile. Another negative thought blinked in my head saying, 'Cath, it's totally impossible now for you to fulfill your dream of going to UK and graduate...." & that's when i felt so disappointed with myself and thoughts of giving up persist to exist in my mind.

Somehow, i regain my consciousness to back to the reality world to continue with my exam questions. It was when i flashed back the memory on my experience of having P2 Corporate Reporting exam, either internal or external exam, i struggled so badly during the exam process, umpteen times of "give up" thoughts came to me. I could just stand up and leave the exam venue during the moment. Nevertheless, i fought back such negative mind and persist. My perseverance made me finish my exam, though some are left undone. Miraculously, the result was satisfying enough to make me laugh and cry as it was totally out of my expectation! Thanks God for such miracle!

Therefore, back to that moment i was sitting for my APM paper, this same thought flashed back to me, thinking i might have a sparks of hope as long as i tried my best to write and finish the questions. It was till the last minute, precisely at 12.15 noon, i was instructed to stop writing and tie the answer booklets altogether. Although i did not complete it, some were left undone, i believed that i did try my best out there.

As i walked out from the exam venue, i felt relieved coz the exam was finally over. Somehow, deep down, i felt extremely disappointed with myself and started to feel so hopeless as i could see my dream has gone shattered because of what i had undergone today. I had performed so poor that sparks of hope to chase after my dream was totally disappear. I felt hopeless because my total confidence has gone in a wink. Dreams are shattered, minds are confused, emotions are down and hopeless.... There's nothing i could do but to P-R-A-Y... Will there be any miracle from God this time? Although it sounds unknown in the future, i believe that God knew i had tried my best out there to complete the task instead of giving up. Thanks for his strength in guiding me back to reality and fight!

In a nutshell, my results is in God's hands. I closed my eyes and pray... wish myself good luck then :-P ~ Thanks God Blessed Me ^^

"When you speak from your heart
and say the words
your soul has only closed to whisper,
That's when miracles happen...


~Cath~n_n

Afraid

Staring out my window, looking at the people walking around on the streets, with their couple & kids..... how beautiful that moment could be when you get to see the happiness in their eyes....

Wishing i could be one of them in the crowd, having joy in such sunny day....somehow, only to find myself sitting at my room and thinking something which i thought i should not have been giving a thought about it at all...

i should not have fallen into the trap you said earlier, i thought it's not gonna happen... somehow, it seems to crystallize gradually... i wish it did not happen... never...

What the hell with me? why just couldn't i let go? why couldn't i just pretend i feel nothing? it hurts a lot when i have to pretend i don't mind at all & to support your view. Sometimes i wish i could beg you not to mention about the person, or even non-stop praising that person in front of me, coz it frustrated me so much and most of all, silently enough, my heart aches deeply. i knew you would not have any idea how i feel right now.... i thought i will never tell you about this at all, not now, not in the future, forever...

This was when recently i felt there was a gap between us, you might don't know about that, but i do. i don't feel like talking so much to you, as i was afraid i will accidentally hear you saying about that person again, my heart will ache again.... i feel myself keep stay away from you, coz i was a.f.r.a.i.d & that feeling was indeed desperate! & it damn SUCKS!

i wish i could give myself some time to wash all this stupid & crazy thoughts away for a moment, i don't wish i get unhappy because of this stupid thing. Maybe i think too much, but it just sometimes inevitable where i happen to become the victim in this game. I will try hard to let go & keep holding on ~ i believe i can make it!

You're Right

Thinking back what you said to me.... it kinda sound like getting real... i should have trusted things you said to me, i was awakened by some thoughts lately, what i used to not believe in things that you said, i started to believe...

You're right... i really feel the way i suppose to feel when it happens as what you've told me earlier... there's no such thing like what i think & expected, so cath, please stop been naive & innocent, even though there's nothing u can do about it!

I felt like i'm growing into a kinda different person recently, i feel like myself acting strange, thinking strange, feeling strange... everything seems STRANGE... how suffocating is it i have to ACT like nothing happens... it hurts when i am trying to pretend like i feel nothing, it hurts when i am trying to pretend like i don't care at all, it hurts when you make me feel insecure coz of the way you do to people surrounding you.... i know you will never find it out coz you never meant to notice & so i know i'm not going to tell you anyway, let it be kept a s-e-c-r-e-t forever coz this is not gonna be a happy ending story...

In short, all this while, i have been lying to myself, so i guess i should start to forget about all those J things, stop relying so much on you, i can handle myself even without you, i believe i can do it without you!

Most Anticipated !!!

It's been another long period of time since the last time i uploaded my last post here....
just suddenly i got in the right mood to drop a few words here...

what i have anticipated so much ever since is....
Avril Lavigne's upcoming 4th album!! "Goodbye Lullaby" which will be released in March this year.

Her new hit single "What The Hell" which was released worldwide on the last day of 2010 during the 'Welcoming New Year 2011' ★ Avril was performing at Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve, NYC ★

How excited i was during the moment i listened to her complete version 'what the hell'. I am so glad that Avril is BACK finally after all these years i have been waiting for her to release another new record.... here she is! yeah!

in short, cath is damn ANTICIPATING for upcoming album in march right now.... !!!! yeah yeah!