Shattered....

It was on the 16th day of April, 2011... approximately 5 o'clock in the morning, i forced myself to wake up so badly, and walked to my living room and grab my Advanced Performance Management notes to study.

My eyes were tired and teary... i have been studying so hard all these days and weeks... reading the notes & practicing the past year questions... i tried so hard coz i wanna pass all the exams this semester in order to graduate successfully & making my dream come true. My dream is going to United Kingdom to do my (Hons) Degree in Accounting & Finance for a period of 3 months.

It was 9am when the exam officially started... i walked into the venue and picked my seats with number 100 ~ Ridiculously, i thought this seat number can give me tons of luck and score 100 marks perhaps in the exam.... too bad... it....

The moment i flipped through my exam paper during the 15 minutes reading time given, i was calm & enthusiastic as i saw almost all the questions looked familiar to me as they are all exactly the same as in the ACCA past year questions i had done earlier. i grabbed my mechanical pencil and wrote as much point as i could and highlighted any important points which i thought i might overlook.

Here it is, it was precisely at 9.15 am shown by the clock hanging on the wall above the white board, the facilitators gave signals of the commencement of the exam. Alright, cath's ready~ ! Go!

I was holding the paper and grabbing my blue Faber-Castell pen, resting my right hand on my answer booklet. The clock on my watch was ticking every single second and minutes i was reading the questions. I had done praying to God for blessing me in the exam before i started to do the question. Wish that He could hear what i say to him ^^

To my astonishment, i watched the time go by every second, i still have not start to write anything at all, looking at the surrounding, the candidates started to press on their calculators and count! What the hell with me? I could not write anything, even when i tried hard to. This was when i really started to get so PANIC, hands started to shake, feeling of coldness rushing through my whole body, breathing deep desperately.... Oh My God! Why couldn't i write anything? Why my mind seemed to be as blank as the paper on my answer booklet? This time i just realized i was really stuck, suddenly a thought came to my mind of giving up coz i struggled myself so badly just to write a few words and do some small part of calculations which took up so long time to do it. Watching the time passing by got me in big trouble ever!

I could not focus as i panicked too much. I tried so hard to calm myself down but it was futile. Another negative thought blinked in my head saying, 'Cath, it's totally impossible now for you to fulfill your dream of going to UK and graduate...." & that's when i felt so disappointed with myself and thoughts of giving up persist to exist in my mind.

Somehow, i regain my consciousness to back to the reality world to continue with my exam questions. It was when i flashed back the memory on my experience of having P2 Corporate Reporting exam, either internal or external exam, i struggled so badly during the exam process, umpteen times of "give up" thoughts came to me. I could just stand up and leave the exam venue during the moment. Nevertheless, i fought back such negative mind and persist. My perseverance made me finish my exam, though some are left undone. Miraculously, the result was satisfying enough to make me laugh and cry as it was totally out of my expectation! Thanks God for such miracle!

Therefore, back to that moment i was sitting for my APM paper, this same thought flashed back to me, thinking i might have a sparks of hope as long as i tried my best to write and finish the questions. It was till the last minute, precisely at 12.15 noon, i was instructed to stop writing and tie the answer booklets altogether. Although i did not complete it, some were left undone, i believed that i did try my best out there.

As i walked out from the exam venue, i felt relieved coz the exam was finally over. Somehow, deep down, i felt extremely disappointed with myself and started to feel so hopeless as i could see my dream has gone shattered because of what i had undergone today. I had performed so poor that sparks of hope to chase after my dream was totally disappear. I felt hopeless because my total confidence has gone in a wink. Dreams are shattered, minds are confused, emotions are down and hopeless.... There's nothing i could do but to P-R-A-Y... Will there be any miracle from God this time? Although it sounds unknown in the future, i believe that God knew i had tried my best out there to complete the task instead of giving up. Thanks for his strength in guiding me back to reality and fight!

In a nutshell, my results is in God's hands. I closed my eyes and pray... wish myself good luck then :-P ~ Thanks God Blessed Me ^^

"When you speak from your heart
and say the words
your soul has only closed to whisper,
That's when miracles happen...


~Cath~n_n